Still Broken Hearted

Nineteen years ago today I experienced the best moment in life. At 7:20 pm at Humana Bayside Hospital in Virginia Beach, Virginia I gave birth to a beautiful little girl. My baby was special from the start. She stood out from all of the babies, yes because of her beauty, but also because all of the other babies were stuffed inside of Christmas stockings. Such a cute sight to behold. My baby weighed 8 pounds, six ounces and could not fit into her stocking! This trend could not continue as my litle girl grew taller and leaner as each year went by.

If you have been following me for some time, you know exactly why my entry is titled the way it is. If not please allow me to explain. I lost my dear daughter at the age of 15 in a very tragic way. I do not wish to explain further than that.

So today is bittersweet. I can rejoice in the memories and the fact that God allowed me to give birth in the first place. But my sadness and realization that my child will not live to see another year, not yet at least.

Is so hard to see others rejoiceing. I feel like the enemy is taunting me. I attended physical therapy today and one of the therapist brought in her baby. Everyone doted on that baby which was understandable because he was so darn cute. But to top it all off someone played a music box or a toy of some sort that had the tune TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY..... The Beatles version. And if that wasn't the icing on the cake, she gave him a Tweety Bird toy to play with.
Tweety was Q's favorite character from day one to the last. She loved him. She had so many Tweety toys. I still have them and I will treasure them always.
I will miss her until God allows Jesus to resurrect her, until we are reunited. Until that time Ms. P will learn everything about her big sister. I will continue to mourn but with Ms. P. in my life I can keep going.

Break Out The Champagne

On December 16, 2009 I received a phone call that made me soooo happy. It went a little something like this:

Agency Rep: ________(insert my name here if you know it)

Me: Yes this is she.

Agency Rep: I just spoke to _____________ (agency director). YOU PASSED COURT TODAY.

Me: Oh my goodness. Thank you. (Other happy, giddy talk, which I had to contain since I had a student standing in my office.

I have been so excited.


I would like you all to meet my L.S. L. aka Ms. Precious or Ms. P.:




I can't wait to bring her home! I AM A MOMMY! A TITLE THAT I DESIRE TO POSSESS FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brought to Tears

I watched this earlier and all I could do was cry. It pulled at my heart to think about all of the children all over the world simply left behind. If I had the means, you know Oprah money, I would not leave them behind, they would all come home with me.

But while I pray for Ms. Precious I pray for all of the others. I also pray that my dream of adopting more will be realized. I have been thinking about what Q would want me to do. My daughter was full of love and kindness and had a very special spot in her heart for children. Q would want me to do it again. She would want me to bring as many of those babies home that I could. While I do not have room in my home, (but I do in my heart), for an abundance of children, I do, I DO have room for one more. I want to do this. I want to adopt again. I pray that I am able to do so.

Justice?

I got on a plane last week in pursuit of justice. All of the guilty were present and accounted for and well represented. I endured that ordeal with the assistance of almighty God, the true Sovereign. I could not have done so without Him.

Decisions were made by individuals that didn't even know Q. They pitied me the grieving mother. I am referring to the decision makers. The guilty seemed to care less. In the end true justice has not been realized. But I know this to be true, God is a lover of righteousness and justice. Vengeance is His, not mine... Romans 12:19
Until that time I must pray for peace, a measure of happiness and endurance.

FEELINGS

I have so many feelings and emotions floating around my head. FEAR of being HAPPY when I have cause to be... SADNESS...GRIEF and PAIN...ANGER, FRUSTRATION... The list is endless.

I remember a poster hung in the school counselor's office. I also had one hanging in my classroom...


One picture wouldn't suffice to describe my feelings.

I have a lot going on in my life. I feel the stress of the world on my shoulders...literally. I am experiencing shoulder pain most excrutiating! Sleep doesn't come so easily and I have limited mobility.

On the adoption front. No news, nothing. I did get a few pictures which was wonderful to see. But I am still waiting. Meanwhile there's more extremely negative agency "talk" on the boards. It's so bad that it makes me sick to my stomach and afraid for myself and Ms. Precious.

This journey is so hard and I feel so alone it. I am very uncomfortable posting to these groups, but I feel these people have formed a camaraderie that I do not have with anyone. It so helps to have a support group of individuals going through similar experiences, but at the same time I don't know these people.

So what's the solution? I must go through this alone.

Tired of Lemonade... Bring on the Champagne!

I was taught that I should never give up. When the going gets tough, the tough gets, going... There's no progress without struggle...When life hands you lemons you just make lemonade. If that's the case I should have enough lemonade to quench the thirst of a village for many months.

I am tired of things not going my way. I am tired of the struggle, I am tired of bad news.

I was assigned a new court date of November 17th. Just in case you haven't noticed there's been no happy announcement, no celebratory bottle of champagne, no beautiful little girl gracing my Blogspot. Yes you guessed we didn't pass court. Why you may ask?

Once again they told me that the government agency didn't provide the necessary recommendation letter. Why does it take a month to get a letter? Why is my agency not on top of this? I am confused, angry, afraid, frustrated and deeply grieved. Especially because PAPs from my agency are passing court left and right. I simply do not understand. I am ready to give up because I don't have a whole lot of fight in me. After being through what I have been through I guess I am not so tough anymore.

Beyond My Comprehension

I just don't get it. I called the agency again. I didn't think that they had any new news but they surprised me. I have to wait until next month for the case to be heard. Will they have what they need to pass it then? Only my Heavenly Father knows.On Him I must rely.

I NEED TO STOP

I am at it again. I'm stalking boards and Facebook and adoption blogs. This time I'm watching others passing court but not me! A woman who had court the same date as I with the same missing paperwork didn't pass that day but did the very next day. Why not me?

FRUSTRATION TO THE MAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am not doing too well. I called the agency today and once again they have no information for me. NADA! What's going on? I was told last week that they only needed a letter from a certain governmental agency. The director is in country and is known to have co-founded this particular agency. SO WHY CAN'T SHE DO SOMETHING? WHY CAN'T SOME COMFORTING WORDS BE OFFERED?...at the very least. This agency needs to employ a social worker or two. Ones that have been trained to console a PAP and calm her many fears.

I am wondering if Ms.P is still happy...is she safe...is she afraid...is she sick... is she warm? How much has she grown? I HAVE RECEIVED NOTHING!!!
It has been a week since the initial cout date. How long does it take to get one piece of paper? HUH?

I don't understand why they do not simply insure that they have all needed paperwork before filing for court... that way the cases would pass 100%
Furthermore why no new information, no new court date?

I JUST DON"T GET IT.

Meanwhile I see families who have applied after me, with dossiers received after mine and referrals after mine, passing court BEFORE me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I JUST DON'T GET IT.

Don't they know what's at stake? Do they know what I have been through? Could that be taken into consideration for once?

I'll also be facing something truly difficult in a couple of months. I want Ms.P to be by my side,the very same way my Precious Q had been for all those 15 years...My sidekick...

What I have to face is for Q.It's in the name of justice. It will never be enough but it will be a beginning as I wait until the ultimate justice is served. I would do better if Ms.P was safe with me. We could then seek justice for her big sister together.

My Feelings

THIS IS HOW I FEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MY LIFE IS ONE BIG SOURCE OF STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
W.I.L.L. I. E.V.E.R. C.A.T.C.H. A. B.R.E.A.K???????????????????????????????????????????
UGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FRUSTRATION

I am not in a good state of mind right now. Disappointment consumes me. On top of it all I am suffering, yes literally suffering with physical pain. I have been told that I have rotator cuff issues as well as tendonitis. The pain is very often excruciating and I have limited range of motion. And of course this is taking place on my dominate side. I am right handed.

It is now a week later and my child's case has still not been heard. Last Wednesday as you know the courts needed a document so it was postponed until that Friday. Well Friday came and went without the case going to the courts.

I was then told that it would be heard early this week. Well it is now Wednesday and nothing! Other families with the same agency are passing left and right. I am beyond frustrated to say the least.

I continue to pray and hope for the best but I can't help but wonder why things are always so difficult for me. WIll I ever catch a break?

Dream Deferred

Well my adoption case was not heard today. There has been no word about when it will possibly be rescheduled. I am trying not worry but my heart is aching a bit. Apparently a letter of recommendation needed to be included with my paperwork and sent to the courts. It didn't arrive on time.

To top it all off, my baby's birth mom must appear in court when the hearing takes place. Will she stick around for that all important day? If I'm given just a little break, she will.

Prayers for a Mother

I have no time for fancy words, eloquent speech, carefully thought out sentiments. I am sitting on the eve of a decision. In just a few short hours a court in a faraway land will decide my fate, whether or not I am a mom again. A faraway land that I know only from books and the beautiful faces of the wonderful people representing it. People who have crossed my path and have shown me great love... My brothers and sisters.

Ethiopia will you be kind to me? Will your court system deem that I, a grieving mother be so worthy to mother one of your beautiful babies?

Will you allow this woman to nurture and rear your child never ever allowing her to forget the great land from where she has come?

Will you allow me to fulfill my dreams? Dreams that I thought had died on September 3, 2006, when I lost my beautiful and precious first born?

Will you allow me to be that mother again? I long for an answer. I long for affirmation.

I pray that after the courts meet I will be answered with a resounding YES!!!

Week 2

Last week I mentioned that I am still playing the waiting game times two. It's not adoption related, but so important to the formation of my family. This is all that I am at liberty to say right now. I do feel a little guilty counting down. But I am simply anxious for a little happiness in my life for a change.

Grief

I lost my daughter 3 years ago today.

Seasons of Love

I do love this song. If I could actually carry a tune I would belt it out like nobody’s business, I would sing at the top of my lungs, I would saaanggggg!!!! But God didn’t bless me with a powerful set of lungs. Instead I sound like a wounded animal when attempting to produce melodious sound. So in an effort to spare the innocent, I limit my intonation to the confines of my bathroom shower. At any rate I so love this song.

When thinking about the waiting game I thought this song appropriate to highlight how I feel. The lyrics ask “How do you measure a year?” It goes on to make references to numerous ways in which to measure time… In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, In cups of coffee, In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife…

Lately I have been measuring time in tears, in pain and in grief. Rays of hope flicker and then quickly fade away… So I measure in distress.

I have a new wait in which I need to measure. A wait that doesn’t involve the adoption process, but does relate to the formation of my family. So I wait and I measure. This week marks week one in my wait. ..One down how many more to go? I hope not many.

Court Date!!!!

OCTOBER 14, 2009!!!!!

AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO TIRED OF GRIEF AND PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Banana in the Tail Pipe

Why oh why do I always fall for it? I should realize the game by now. I've lost at it so many times!

Getting Closer

I have been informed that my child has been filed for court! I've said it...My child. I never thought that I would utter those two words in succession again. After all I lost my first child and with her a part of my heart.

That part of my heart is gone forever, at least forever in this old world. God has promised that my heart will be repaired and that it will be whole forever.

In the meantime I have a second child to nurture and love. I pray that her court date comes and goes resulting in the words Ms. Precious is your daughter forever. We can both then anticipate the date when we are reunited with her precious big sister and my precious first born.

Stop Whining

I forgot to mention that I have been waiting for a court date for two months. In retrospect I haven't been waiting all that long. At least I have a referral. Ms. P will come when it's time.

Endless Wait

I have been waiting for Miss P. for so long. I receive pictures and she is growing up without me. It just doesn't make sense that I am still waiting with no official words. I feel hopeless about this situation.

NO COURT DATE!!!!! NO NEW INFORMATION!!!!! NOTHING!!!! THIS AND THE COURTS ARE SCHEDULED TO CLOSE SOON!!!!

I am normally a very patient but it's getting to be a bit much!

Reciprocity

Yesterday I made him smile. I smiled back in return.

Awakened in Tears.

For one quick moment I had my family in tact. The love of my life was in the bed beside me and my Q in her room.

Wow what a dream.

Afraid to Feel.

There's another feeling in my heart and I am so afraid to give in to it.

Still Waiting

I am overdue. The baby should have dropped. But I am still waiting for Ms. Precious. No court date, no news, no nothing. Several families have traveled and I was able to get more pictures and videos of the little sweetie.

I sent a small package with a family almost a month ago, but I haven't heard anything from them. I am not sure whether they are back yet. I don't want to seem like a pain so I do not contact them. When the one month mark hits I will check in. Until then I will cherish the pictures that I have.

Sometimes Silence is What I Need

You know the old saying. If you have nothing nice to say, shut the *bleep* up! Ok your mom didn’t put it quite that way. But you get the drift. I would like to add another. This one applies to what to say or not to say to a grieving mother.

On the day after I got the news of my baby’s tragedy, there were many visits from well wishers and concerned individuals. Most didn’t know what to say to me. but wanted to comfort me nevertheless. So I heard many I’m sorry for your loss or If I can do anything for you please do not hesitate to ask. People meant well. I do realize that the subject of death is just so difficult.

What do you say?

Well here’s a little of what not to say:

• Do not tell me that God wanted another angel because that’s just a lie. The God I serve is loving and would not put me through such agonizing pain!

• Do not tell me that it was in His plan either.

• Do not tell me that you know how exactly how I feel. Because unless you have lost a child you cannot imagine how I feel. You do not have a clue.

• And for goodness sake DO NOT TELL ME THAT I CAN GET A PUPPY!!!!! Yes someone did!

The single most act of comfort came from a woman, a fellow mom. She said nothing but she gave me the tightest hug that you can imagine. I will remember that always.

So if you do not have a clue about what to say to a grieving mom, JUST SAY NOTHING!!!
Just be there if you dare to be that shoulder to cry upon. Be that sounding board, be a loving friend.

A New Wait

Ms. Precious has been identified. On May 29^th I received the call. I heard my song play and it went something like this:

It caught me off guard and I was not expecting it. Things did not occur in the dramatic way in which I expected. Clients were sent an email stating that a very large number of children were ready to be referred. We were instructed to call the office to find out if we were among the families about to hear some good news. So I called. I took a chance because I knew that most families were waiting for a baby girl up to age 12 months. I was a bit more flexible so I thought that perhaps there would be a toddler girl in need of a family. I was right and I was told that phone calls would go out when the children were ready to be officially referred.

My call came about 11:15 on May 29^th. I received a picture of my little one about two hours later. She is a beautiful 2 1/2 year old. That’s all I want to say at this time.

The countdown or count up begins now. I have been waiting for a court date for one month now. I can’t wait for Miss P to be mine.

Must Be The Music

I am not it a bad mood presently. I am not mad or sad but actually on a bit of a high. Times have been so rough recently. I have been in a very deep state of sadness and despair, for very obvious reasons. The news of Michael Jackson’s passing hit hard and that sadness joined my sadness for the loss my beautiful child. The sadness about MJ could never be as deep as my hurt for Q. MJ, although I did not know him personally was a part of my life, Q is a part of my heart.

Despite the deep feelings of sadness that is ever present, I feel a bit of elation. I am sitting here watching the BET Awards and I am thoroughly enjoying it. I am singing and dancing to music new and old. There was a part when some of my groups from back in the day performed… BBD, New Edition, Guy and even Keith Sweat and Tevin Campbell. And I didn’t know that Tyrese could sing, with his fine self.

Could this be the key, to a little reprieve, a break from a bleak life?

MUSIC

I love music and dancing. How could I forget? I spent many days as a girl in my childhood home singing and dancing in the basement in front of my baby doll audience, with my hairbrush in hand. I wasn’t a great singer but I could dance. I was always a good dancer and I can, still dance despite additional years and pounds. All I need is some good music.

I have that tonight. What’s missing from this picture is my very beautiful and talented daughter. She would be right here dancing with me. She should still be. But as for me I am going to keep dancing until Almighty God reunites us two.

My Favorite MJ Videos

No one can touch him on the dance floor.









Chris Tucker is a nut!!!!

More Grief, More pain.

I am just speechless. Another grieving mother, another grieving heart.



This is how I'll remember him.

Still Waiting For My Baby

Nothing new to report.
It has now been four month and two days since my wait for Miss Precious. I call her Miss Precious or Miss P for short because I know she is just that. You'll see.

My Q was also known as Miss P, but her P stood for Princess, Princess Q. My Princess played the role to the tee. Her style and mannerisms were in line with the Princess that she was. I had to often remind her that although she was in fact the Princess, I was the Queen and she should never forget that. I so miss my Princess Q.

I must think of a nickname for Miss Precious that is befitting the royalty that she is. I am the Queen and my Princess cannot be replaced... HMM what is another name for a female member of a royal family. I must find out how to say Princess in Amharic. I will be back with my findings.

Justice Will Prevail

I have become a Bible reader. In the past I have read everything from fiction to self help, but Bible reading is somewhat of a recent endeavor. I am a student of the Word. I am involved in a systematic study of the Bible and I have learned so much. I remember when I first began I considered it such a daunting task.

There were a bunch of words, in an old fashioned dialect, that I simply did not understand. But then I started to learn and realized, just like the Ethiopian Eunach who told the Apostle Paul, guidance was needed to truly understand. (Acts 8:27-31) I needed an instructor. Through the years I have had several teachers and I am truly grateful that they have been patient with me.

Through my study I have come to learn and favor a variety of scriptures. Many that I could easily apply to my own life situations. The most cherished by me include: John 5:28, 29; Revelations 21:3, 4 and many more. These directly refer to God’s promise of resurrection and the annihilation of death. This means so much to me because I am desperately longing to see my precious daughter again. It will be such a reunion.

As any parent mourning the loss of a child will tell you, the death of a child is like daggers to the heart. No loss truly compares. I thought that I felt despair when he chose not to parent her, but that was nothing compared to what would come later. Nothing compared to the pain he has caused. Many a scorned lover have described feelings of broken heartedness. My heart is not broken but crushed. It will be through almighty God that my heart will be completely repaired.

Another scripture that I believe, but have a struggle with is Romans 12:19 “Vengeance is mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Why do I struggle? I am battling with myself because the guilty seem to be getting away scot free. They are happy go lucky and posting it publicly. It’s all good in their neighborhood. They’ve even experienced recent praise and accolades. Life continues to go on for them as I continue to suffer and mourn my child.

I struggle because I want to take matters into my own hands. I don’t mean a violent act, because I am not going to lose my salvation for them. Although they do deserve a serious beat down for their part in the whole thing. I truly want to expose them, to single handedly BRING THEM DOWN!!!!

I cannot do this because by doing so I would be acting contrary to God’s wishes. For now I have to just sit tight and wait on my Heavenly Father. I must wait with the hope and faith that true justice will prevail!!!

My God says that vengeance is His, He will repay.

RAGE

Words cannot express the grief I am feeling today. The guilty are attempting to benefit from the victim. How can this be? I have no words.

Warnings... Keep Away

I have written before about my addiction to blogs, forums and all things virtual. They seem so innocent so safe, so secure. You sit behind a computer screen and you let it all hang out, literally. It doesn’t matter if your hair’s not done, if your breath stinks or if you’re just looking a hot mess. There’s no one to see your flaws, no one to judge… Judge your appearance that is. Folks always have something to say about what you write.

It also allows you to pretend to be anyone or anything that you wish. Whatever is within your imagination is fair game. Therein lies the danger. While you are pretending to be that fine pretty young diva, when you are really 65, there’s someone else out there pretending to be someone that they are really not and their true persona may turn out to be something a lot more heinous. I am not here to speak on that now, but we are warned and need to take heed.

I am here to once again announce my plan to stay away from these sites. I do this because I somehow believe that if I put it out there publicly, someone will hold me accountable. Really I need to hold myself accountable.

I must admit that I have been doing a little better in that department. I do not spend nearly as much time online that I used to. However, I sometimes find it very difficult to resist the temptation to Google names of individuals from my past.

Today, I chose to look up the name of one of the persons responsible for my aching heart. I am not a glutton for punishment, really I am not. But I do this because somewhere deep inside I think that I am going to see that they are being held accountable. Unfortunately that’s never the case. I usually just end up being upset. Today was no different. I really need to protect myself and stay away.

Silencing Fear

My life is filled with new joy and old pain. The source of the pain is so obvious and I long for the joy to come and for the opportunity to make it known. But I cannot say a word because I am silenced by the fear.

Speechless

OMG... I have so much to say but cannot put into words the feelings in my heart. I will be back to post when my thoughts are collected.

Melancholy Day

I am sitting here during a very quiet period at work. I do not usually take the time to blog at work but I have a quiet moment. It’s that time of year again, testing time, so the halls are relatively quiet and I have a moment to steal; besides my mind is full and I need a moment to release.

I am feeling awfully down and I am not certain of the root cause. It could be the weather, as we have experienced a lot of rain with no sign of the sun in days, it could be hormonal, since my monthly visitor is here, (TMI) or it could simply be the onslaught of bad news. Turning on the television or opening up a newspaper can certainly be mood altering. Seldom are there happy things to report.

The news of the death of boxer Mike Tyson’s daughter, Exodus was heartbreaking. Despite my opinions about the man himself, I truly feel for this grieving father. My heart especially goes out to her mother. I have firsthand knowledge of the kind of pain that she must be experiencing. Exodus came from her. She grew inside and was nurtured until she was strong enough to breathe on her own, separate from her mother’s womb. As a mother I wished that I could have kept my daughter protected in a similar fashion. If only I could have kept her encased in some way, if only figuratively but safeguarded from all forms of harm. No doubt Exodus’ mom is feeling the same way.

Glimmer of Hope

Expect the unexpected.

Today I Cried

Today I cried. What made today different than any other day? I cry each and every day for the loss of my dear Q; my only child, my first born. But these were new tears. I cried for the child that I have yet to know. I cried for the one who I have yet to meet and hold in my arms. I cried for myself, the broken mother who longs to be matched with that precious child and then have her come home to me.I can’t help but wonder when that day would come. I want it sooner rather than later. That seems like an impossible dream so I cried.

There has been an update from her country of origin. There is good news for a large group of waiting families and in the long run will benefit me. But all I could do was cry. I thought to myself, “Why couldn’t it be me who would hear the good news. I want those benefits now!!!!

I feel selfish because I should be happy for these families. It’s not that I begrudge them in the least, it is nothing personal since I don't know them. But I do know that many of them have large families already. It’s not that I think that they are not entitled to adopt just because they have children already. I just don't think that they should feel the same desperation as I since they already have little ones to nurture at home. They're also married couples whose opportunities to adopt may never end. But what about the single PAPs?

As crazy as it may sound to some, in a way I feel priority should be given to: grieving families who have lost children, including babies loss through miscarriage, infertile couples and single mothers, especially those with infertility problems or nearing the end of child bearing years.

Again I am not saying that people with large families should not adopt. I am merely expressing my feelings and this is how I see it.

But no matter what I feel, it is what it is. Their journeys are near completion and I should be glad because this also means that I will move along in the process. Instead, all I can feel is envy. This is so unlike me. I am a person with a heart filled with compassion and I usually put my feelings aside for others. But I have lost sooo much and I am not asking for much. I just want to be a mother again and I want it yesterday!!!

How much longer?

Ok I’m back. I didn’t think that I had anything to say but in reality my heart is so full. I do realize that I have not waited nearly the amount of time that I was quoted by my agency. I do realize that the times that were given were mere estimates. No one can predict the unpredictable; however I was still so very hopeful that my wait would be a lot shorter than I was actually quoted.

You see I have been waiting for a long time. I have been a childless mother for nearly three years now. Three years of agony, of pain of tears. I never thought it possible to cry each and every day for two years and eight months. I never thought it possible to make so many tears.

Many wonder how I have managed to keep my sanity and how I go on each day without succumbing to the overwhelming grief. I wonder myself at times but then I quickly realize that it’s my almighty God that sustains me. I do nothing from my own strength.

And still I wait hoping that mercy will be shown to me and some joy thrown my way. I so much want to be a mom again. I have so much love to give. I am looking forward to having a little on in my life again. How much longer must I wait? I surely don’t know.

Three

Three months have come and gone and I am still waiting.

Feathers in the Wind

I know that I have made the correct decision when it comes to these adoption forums. Oh my, the drama, the drama. Instead of these being a source of support through this very difficult and emotional journey, they have been a source of frustration and contention.

Lately there have been slanderous, profane and hateful words being exchanged by members of the groups including the group owners who are the ring leaders. What poor examples they set. Truly an ugly sight to behold. I wonder what their motives really are.

And oh the inconsistencies. I belong to several of these groups that have members in common. People have a tendency to post one thing in one group and totally contradict themselves in another group. What’s that all about?

I truly fear for the little ones joining the families of some of these individuals. If they demonstrate this type of behavior with people over some words on a screen, I shudder to think about how they handle things in real life.

At least when responding to people in cyberspace you have time to think about and reconsider your responses before clicking send or post. In real life it is quite difficult to take back something you have said. Yet many ugly things have been “said” in these forums.

People ought to be careful before responding to anything whether through speech or the written word. Like feathers in the wind it can be extremely difficult to retrieve. That’s why my mother always told me to think before I speak. I never want to say ANYTHING that I may regret later.

Obsession

This is getting to be ridiculous! My obsession with the boards, the forums and groups. The same information continues to circulate. There’s no new news, no real updates. Nothing has changed! I even frequent Facebook, a site that I vowed never to get involved with. I stalk these things so many times a day and for hours on end when at home. I constantly check my many emails while at work. I go from one to the other, hit refresh and then do it again. CLICK, REFRESH, REPEAT, CLICK, REFRESH, REPEAT…

This madness has to stop. It is getting me nowhere because I am neglecting the more important things. I need to get a grip and get back to my life. Besides, the virtual world is a truly unsafe place.

Cyberspace is not completely real. Yes there are live humans behind the many posts, however, people do exaggerate, and boldly misrepresent the truth with the greatest of ease. It is so comfortable to hide behind a computer and be completely anonymous. People feel safe as they type; they think that no one will ever find out who they really are.

This journey is truly a difficult one. I do understand the charged emotions. I have many of my own. With the lost of Q, my quest for justice and this journey, along with the daily stresses of life I cannot afford to get wrapped up in other people’s drama. At one time I felt that finding a support group even in cyberspace, would be beneficial. However without the true love and caring concern of individuals who know me personally, it has done more harm than good.

So for right now I am going to try and wait for official notifications. Official words coming from the country and the agency. I value information from sources which are unbiased, reliable and verifiable.

Don't get me wrong there have been things that I have learned before hearing the official word from the agency such as the latest moratorium on certain cases being heard in the courts. Although that is the case I still to choose spend less time in cyberspace and more time in the real world.

Heartache

I miss my daughter so much. My heart aches.

Ringtones/Please Play My Song

I called my agency today. Yes I broke down and called! I wasn’t necessarily looking for anything in particular, I just wanted to hear a voice on the phone and maybe, just maybe, they would mention that I beat them to making “THE CALL.” That they attempted to call me but my line was busy due to the fact that I was calling them!
Well things don’t work out like that in real life, especially my life. It was just wishful thinking. I called them because I needed some information cleared up. The information was clarified but I was still looking for some glimmer of hope.

I do realize that my wait time is approximately 8-10 months and I have only been waiting 2, but miracles do happen and with all of the precious children available for adoption, I figured it was possible for many of us waiting families to receive referrals sooner than later. But I was made aware that despite the number of children waiting for families and families waiting for children, other things had to be in place before a referral is given.

Meanwhile I am trying not to be anxious. I try not to stalk the forums. I try not to check my email, hit refresh, and check it again in succession multiple times an hour. I try not to check my phone to see if it works by calling it from another phone. This reminds me of a dating scenario, you know checking the phone to see if he calls. I don’t want to get into that mode, it got me nowhere.

So I am going to just hurry up and wait. I did add the agency’s phone number into my cell phone and I assigned them a special ringtone, so when that day comes and I hear that song, I will know that it may in fact be “The Call.”

I can’t wait to hear that song play.

Wait and wait some more...

I cannot believe that it's May already. In just 2 1/2 weeks I will have been waiting, officially waiting that is for 3 months. In reality I have been waiting a lot longer than that.

My application was submitted to my agency in August of 2008. It was received on August 26, 2008 to be exact. So on the 26th of this month nine months will have gone by. If I were pregnant that would be my due date. I would be currently nesting in preparation for my baby.

Instead I am in a perpetual state of waiting and I have no idea when it will end.

Dreams Revisited

I had another dream. They seem to be coming a little more frequently these days. Each night I pray that I can sleep but not dream because dreams are so painful. For the past few weeks I have had trouble remembering but last night’s dream was very clear. I woke up with tear stained cheeks and I could still feel the pain in my heart.

Last night I dreamed of my daughter. She was alive and quite well but younger than the fifteen years of age when I lost her. In this dream I went to New York to pick her up. I went to see about my own child. I did not leave her safe return up to some careless negligent fools! I made sure that my baby returned home. She was waiting for me, safely in the home of one of my relatives. What joy I felt when I first laid eyes upon her. My girl was so beautiful and so very happy. She was glad to see her mama.

I remember collecting her from the car. I cradled her head in my arms as she lay against my chest. This is something that she often did as a baby. She would fall asleep in my arms. Her head would be positioned just so against my breasts. This was a position not easily duplicated because a mother and her child have such a uniquely precious bond. Only I knew how to comfort her. This is the way she greeted me in my dream.

Why did this have to be a dream? Why couldn’t this be my reality? I fall asleep and keep dreaming beautiful dreams and awaken to my nightmare. Many times I wish this could be reversed. I wish that my nightmare could be just that, a terrifying dream, with feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, deep sadness and anxiety. From these dreams you can awaken. I want to wake up from this. BUT THIS IS MY LIFE!!!!!!! This is how I am living and I am wide awake.

I wish that my dreams were my reality and my life was but a dream.

Resemblance

OMG. This little girl reminds me of my Q when she was her age. I wish I had video.



She is a cutie. My Q had the same energy and loved to put on a show. Too bad You Tube didn't exist in the early 90s.

Little People

I have been thinking very strongly about the possibility of adopting a toddler.

(DISCLAIMER:THIS BABY PICTURED IN NOT A REFFERRAL. I REPEAT THIS IS NOT MY REFERRAL. I do not know this cute child. She is a model from my clipart program).

I have requested a baby up to the age of three. The current wait times are very extensive for younger baby girls, so I feel in my heart that my sweet one will come in a slightly larger package. That will be just fine with me. Toddlers are interesting little people.

Q and I had such fun when she was a toddler. She was my little sidekick. She had such an extensive vocabulary and boy did she love to talk. I enrolled her in dance classes at the tender age of three. Parents were not allowed to be in the dance room when the children were practicing. So I would quietly take my place in the waiting area with my book choice of the moment and read. I could not help but hear the activity in the class. Over the piano music I would hear the teacher give directions and I could just imagine those little feet moving to the music. But then the music would stop and I would hear the teacher calling my baby’s name explaining to her that now it was time to dance and there could be no talking.

Oh no was she talking to my child? Yes, but fortunately for her , the teacher, she used a very sweet and loving tone with my child. But I must admit that I was a bit embarrassed that my child, the educator’s child was the one off task. But that was part of the charm of my little girl. Not to be off task, but to communicate her feelings. She talked and had a lot to say. She was so smart. I miss the chatter. My life is so quiet and empty without her.

Each day as I pray for strength, guidance and holy spirit in my life I will continue to pray for the child that is meant to be my younger daughter. I have to be prepared for her arrival. And if she comes talking….
I have to be ready.

I must also be ready for the possibility of other issues. It will be abnormal to think that this little girl will take one look at me, put a big smile on her face and come running to me in slow motions with arms spread wide open, like they do in the movies. That’s pure fiction and doesn’t happen in the real world.

The truth is that she will come lacking English. She will be confused, tired and afraid. She will likely be mourning many losses. I must prepare myself for these possibilities. I want to make the transition as easy as possible so I must arm myself with knowledge, God’s wisdom and strength.

To begin my education process, I am reading the book Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best. It exclusively deals with toddler adoption and is very insightful. I will let you know what information I have gleaned.

Baby Love

I have a beautiful 7 month old nephew, baby B. I had the privilege of babysitting this afternoon for a few hours. His very responsible and doting mom, my sister- in- law, made sure that she left explicit instructions regarding his care. It didn’t matter that I was an experienced mother who had nurtured my own little one. She wanted to make sure that I knew how to care for her baby.

My brother sometimes fusses about her being overprotective. He complained that she runs to the doctor too much. Today he talked about how she rushed the baby to the doctor for a patch of dry skin. Well this dry skin turned out to be dermatophytosis. Simply put, the baby had a patch of ringworm on his arm. My sister-in-law did the right thing. It could have been a more serious condition. A mother knows.

A mother knows… I wish that I had known for sure. I wish that I could have somehow been warned about the calamity that was to befall me. My precious Q. I wished that I could have known. I would have done anything, anything to save her. I did suspect and as a result wanted to keep her to myself, but that wouldn’t have been what the law allowed. There were rights that were to be upheld, rights, that in my opinion were not entitled, so I was forced to share.

I took all precautions while she was in my care… From a baby I kept her safe from harm. I made sure that she ate well, that she had a protective environment. I made sure that she was surrounded by the proper people. I even moved so that our residence was directly across the street from the best elementary school in our school district. I, just like my sister-in-law made sure to visit medical professionals when necessary. Only the best for my baby.

All of my protection was undone in one fell swoop. The human, who in my absence was supposed to keep her safe failed miserably. There are a lot of layers to this very sad situation and he was only one key component. There are other responsible parties. At this point I pray for a measure of peace in my life as I await justice.

Wait

It has been two months since I have been officially waiting. I have nothing more to report. I don't even know how close I am. I am afraid to question the agency because I don't want to come off as a nag. Besides they quoted 6-8 months and I am not near that.

I just have to be patient.

Hiatus

A few posts ago I mentioned that I needed a distraction from the waiting game. I wanted a project to work on; a new obsession. I wanted to do something that would distract my mind from the fact that I am longing to be a mom again. I wanted something that would make the wait seem more bearable.

Well now I have been given an additional focus. It is something totally separate from my journey and I must admit that I didn’t think that I had to deal with it so soon. It’s not so pleasant but necessary. I must now focus on justice. That’s all I am going to say about that. But I pray that one day I am free to tell the story. I know that many will benefit.

I must put my blog life on hold for a little while. My new endeavor will require so much of my emotions. So while I wait for my little one my blog will be on hiatus. I will continue to blog my journey, however the words will be for my eyes only ,until which time I am able to reveal.

Thank you for reading and I pray that I soon have good things to report.

Do Over

Ok. Today is Wednesday and I am supposed to post my weight loss progress. Well I have no progress to report. I was on Spring Break last week and I ate my way through the entire week. I ate M&Ms and Combos snacks…Ice cream and potato chips… You know you have to have the sweet then the salty.

The week ended with me attending a formal event in which dinner was served buffet style and culminated in a platter of sweet treats being delivered to each table. I had the nerve to eat dinner on Sunday at a friend’s house.

I request a DO OVER!!! I won't be too far off track. I want to lose about 40 pounds and I have more than 20 weeks to wait. So...

I will contact those who expressed an interest in joining me in this health quest sometime next week. I hope to post a negative number, meaning pounds loss, next week.

Wishful Thinking...Hopeful Dreams

I have been dreaming… again

I had a dream last night. I dreamed that I was a student in a school. The school administrators were workers from my agency. Now, I have never met any of these individuals personally, and other than a picture of the agency director, I have never seen them.They are simply voices on the phone, so I suppose that my mind made up images of what they should look like.

I remember that there were individuals, including myself , who were sitting in a waiting area while the administrators met behind a closed door. The details are a little fuzzy but I do recall that people’s names were called out. Apparently these were PAPs who were getting referrals.

I remember wondering why my presence was requested because my wait was supposed to be at least six months, but then my name was called and I was told that I also had a referral. I then awakened a little confused.

I do know that I am in no way close to getting that good news. However, reading blogs and messages about other PAPs receiving referrals and court dates has me secretly, or maybe not so much, wishing for my turn. I realize that I have to wait, but I am entitled to dream about something good for a change.

I love this!

I am not weighing in on the Madonna controversy at all. My opinions will be kept to myself. With that said...




I wanted to post this video because I found it very touching, inspiring and beautiful. I had tears of joy when I watched it. There are so many ways to create a family. I do not personally know this family, but I think that it is so wonderful how this couple united, created a blended family and then made room for three more.

I think that this family was featured in Jet magazine some time ago. I remember reading an article and cutting it out because it inspired me. I am going to dig out the article.

When I was pregnant with Q I gained over 50 pounds. I remember my doctor warning me that I shouldn’t go over a certain weight. I needed to slow down my weight gain. In my 7th month, the doctor realized that his warning was in vain. I stepped on to the scale, saw the disappointing number and dragged my 198 pound frame off. Needless to say, when I delivered my 8 pound 6 ounce baby, my weight was much more than the doctor prescribed.

My Q didn’t have a weight problem in the least. If anything she could have used a couple of pounds. We used to call her skinny mini. In reality she was just fine. She was a chubby little baby but as a teen she wore no larger than a size 4. Her mom,(Me), on the other hand, packed on more pounds after pregnancy. I managed to lose some but I never got back to a pre pregnancy weight.

So here’s what I’m gonna do….

I would like to lose about 40 pounds. I am going to track my weight loss here as I wait for my little one. Instead of gaining weight as in pregnancy, I am going to lose weight as I wait to adopt. It’s about me being in tip top shape for my new arrival.

I was given an estimate of a 6-8 month wait for a referral. One month has gone by. So I will count six months from today which will add up to about 27 weeks. Oh my gosh that long?!!!!

As I was surfing I came across an interesting website: Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans.

I have decided to accept their challenge and I will be weighing in on Wednesdays beginning today. I will post my results here each Wednesday.I will post number of pounds lost, not my weight. I don’t know you like that yet. This will help me pass the time as I wait and I will become more physically fit at the same time.

Waiting

I have always considered myself to be a very patient person. Nothing that I have ever truly wanted has come to me easily. A lot of work was involved plus a great deal of patience. I am no stranger to struggle. I realize that this very important journey is no different. A great deal of work is required before, during and after the process.

However, I am having so much difficulty waiting. I feel helpless because there is really nothing else for me to do but wait. I have been officially waiting for a whopping one month two and a half weeks. What am I going to be like 6 months into the wait? There are some PAPs that have been waiting a year or more!

I wonder if I am truly impatient or if I am just anxious to be a mom again. I feel that it’s the latter. It’s not only the waiting that’s hard, but fear of the unknowns in the process.

I need to come up with a plan that will make the waiting more bearable; a project that will take a few months to complete. I need something that will occupy my time, my mind and take me completely away from thoughts about my process. I need a new obsession. Any ideas?

Keep on Moving... Don't Stop!

Last week I received the highly coveted I-171H. I was so pleased to see that envelope in my mailbox. It means that I am free to adopt internationally.

Another milestone has been reached, another positive step forward to motherhood again.

Don't Take Your Love Away

In addition to adoption, blogs I have been visiting blogs written by other grieving mothers. It’s helpful to me because reading their accounts lets me know that I am not alone with my feelings. Our situations differ greatly, however sentiments are similar. One mom listed the 20 things that a bereaved parent wishes that people would remember. She posted the following:

Her Words:

Rainbow Over My Broken Heart

“ I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.”

Back to my words:

Death is a very difficult concept. People strive to understand it but seldom do. Feelings of awkwardness overtake the so called comforters. Instead of sticking by the bereaved, they retreat, withdraw, take back the support, however unintentional. I realize that people simply don’t know what to say.

As far as I am concerned words are not necessary. A hug given at the proper time feels oh so good. You don’t have to speak, just don’t leave me, when I need you so much now.

Learn to Live, Help Others

“Such deep, unfathomable grief makes poets of us all. Only the quietly written word wrenched from the depths of the soul, comes close to describing the pain. We the grieving translate the keening cries and the desperate screams of disbelief into the poetry that consoles us.”
Marie Levine

I am reading a new book. The above quote comes directly from author, Marie Levine, who penned that book. It is entitled First You Die: Learn To Live After the Death of Your Child.

Ms. Levine experienced the death of her only child and lived through it to write the words that would console, comfort and inspire another grieving mother.
Never in my wildest nightmares did I dream that I would ever find the need to read such a book or to find words to sooth my grieving heart. My experience defies what is normal. Parents are not supposed to outlive their children, it simply should not be. But the reality, my reality, is that it happens.

But how does one deal with such a tragic situation? Lay down and die yourself? Although there have been many a day when I want to do just that, reality sets in. I have something to do. There’s someone who needs me. There are also so many people to help.I think of others who have experienced loss, and how they used their grief, their pain, their experience to help others in need.

One such individual is John Walsh.


He lost his son Adam in a very horrific way and one would have thought that he would have given up. Instead, he thought of a way that he could help others in a similar situation. His tireless anti crime activism, his work on the television show America’s Most Wanted,has proven to be a benefit to many. Dangerous criminals have been captured and have taken their proper places in lock up.

Mrs. Mamie Till, who mustered up the unbelievable strength and boldness to allow an open casket so that the world could behold what a group of monsters did to her only son. Emett's death was not to be in vain. This courageous mother fought without let up until justice was realized. This true champion of civil rights lived to be 81 years old and endured crushing pain for that long. Mrs.Till is resting peacefully.

Another gifted soul that comes to mind is no stranger to many individuals in the world of international adoption. Mrs. Haregewoin Teferra, a hero to many,in the depths of own grief from the loss of her daughter,found the strength to care for countless Ethiopian orphans. She has enhanced the lives of these dear ones as well as inspired others to adopt including this writer. (Me) This is something that she had done until her recent death about a week ago. Mrs. Teferra will be greatly missed.

I am sure that if I think long and hard enough I can come up with many more examples. Through all of this I have realized that it is possible to be comforted from the example of others. Many a book has been written, a song sang, a story told that is born out of the anguish of another. King David was in deep distress when he penned many of the Psalms. This is the poetry that is wrenched from deep within that Ms. Levine so eloquently described in the above quote. This poetry becomes a cleansing to the poet and to the recipients of the words. I long to be a poet.