RAGE

Words cannot express the grief I am feeling today. The guilty are attempting to benefit from the victim. How can this be? I have no words.

Warnings... Keep Away

I have written before about my addiction to blogs, forums and all things virtual. They seem so innocent so safe, so secure. You sit behind a computer screen and you let it all hang out, literally. It doesn’t matter if your hair’s not done, if your breath stinks or if you’re just looking a hot mess. There’s no one to see your flaws, no one to judge… Judge your appearance that is. Folks always have something to say about what you write.

It also allows you to pretend to be anyone or anything that you wish. Whatever is within your imagination is fair game. Therein lies the danger. While you are pretending to be that fine pretty young diva, when you are really 65, there’s someone else out there pretending to be someone that they are really not and their true persona may turn out to be something a lot more heinous. I am not here to speak on that now, but we are warned and need to take heed.

I am here to once again announce my plan to stay away from these sites. I do this because I somehow believe that if I put it out there publicly, someone will hold me accountable. Really I need to hold myself accountable.

I must admit that I have been doing a little better in that department. I do not spend nearly as much time online that I used to. However, I sometimes find it very difficult to resist the temptation to Google names of individuals from my past.

Today, I chose to look up the name of one of the persons responsible for my aching heart. I am not a glutton for punishment, really I am not. But I do this because somewhere deep inside I think that I am going to see that they are being held accountable. Unfortunately that’s never the case. I usually just end up being upset. Today was no different. I really need to protect myself and stay away.

Silencing Fear

My life is filled with new joy and old pain. The source of the pain is so obvious and I long for the joy to come and for the opportunity to make it known. But I cannot say a word because I am silenced by the fear.

Speechless

OMG... I have so much to say but cannot put into words the feelings in my heart. I will be back to post when my thoughts are collected.

Melancholy Day

I am sitting here during a very quiet period at work. I do not usually take the time to blog at work but I have a quiet moment. It’s that time of year again, testing time, so the halls are relatively quiet and I have a moment to steal; besides my mind is full and I need a moment to release.

I am feeling awfully down and I am not certain of the root cause. It could be the weather, as we have experienced a lot of rain with no sign of the sun in days, it could be hormonal, since my monthly visitor is here, (TMI) or it could simply be the onslaught of bad news. Turning on the television or opening up a newspaper can certainly be mood altering. Seldom are there happy things to report.

The news of the death of boxer Mike Tyson’s daughter, Exodus was heartbreaking. Despite my opinions about the man himself, I truly feel for this grieving father. My heart especially goes out to her mother. I have firsthand knowledge of the kind of pain that she must be experiencing. Exodus came from her. She grew inside and was nurtured until she was strong enough to breathe on her own, separate from her mother’s womb. As a mother I wished that I could have kept my daughter protected in a similar fashion. If only I could have kept her encased in some way, if only figuratively but safeguarded from all forms of harm. No doubt Exodus’ mom is feeling the same way.

Glimmer of Hope

Expect the unexpected.

Today I Cried

Today I cried. What made today different than any other day? I cry each and every day for the loss of my dear Q; my only child, my first born. But these were new tears. I cried for the child that I have yet to know. I cried for the one who I have yet to meet and hold in my arms. I cried for myself, the broken mother who longs to be matched with that precious child and then have her come home to me.I can’t help but wonder when that day would come. I want it sooner rather than later. That seems like an impossible dream so I cried.

There has been an update from her country of origin. There is good news for a large group of waiting families and in the long run will benefit me. But all I could do was cry. I thought to myself, “Why couldn’t it be me who would hear the good news. I want those benefits now!!!!

I feel selfish because I should be happy for these families. It’s not that I begrudge them in the least, it is nothing personal since I don't know them. But I do know that many of them have large families already. It’s not that I think that they are not entitled to adopt just because they have children already. I just don't think that they should feel the same desperation as I since they already have little ones to nurture at home. They're also married couples whose opportunities to adopt may never end. But what about the single PAPs?

As crazy as it may sound to some, in a way I feel priority should be given to: grieving families who have lost children, including babies loss through miscarriage, infertile couples and single mothers, especially those with infertility problems or nearing the end of child bearing years.

Again I am not saying that people with large families should not adopt. I am merely expressing my feelings and this is how I see it.

But no matter what I feel, it is what it is. Their journeys are near completion and I should be glad because this also means that I will move along in the process. Instead, all I can feel is envy. This is so unlike me. I am a person with a heart filled with compassion and I usually put my feelings aside for others. But I have lost sooo much and I am not asking for much. I just want to be a mother again and I want it yesterday!!!