Dream a Little Dream Once More

I am dreaming again. Bittersweet, bittersweet. I dreamed that my Q was back not only Q but L.L.J. (I could actually call her L.L. Cool J since the initials fit. But everytime I write it It will just make me think about that gorgeous, foine James Todd. Rippling muscles, tight abs, juicy kissable lips. MUAHHH!!!!

Sorry, I digress. That was actually a pleasant distraction because my dream tugged at my heart.

L.L.J. was a foster daughter of mine. She stayed in my home for almost 7 years. I never spoke about her before perhaps I will add more of her story to the mix, perhaps at a later date and time.

I dreamed that Q and L. were back at home and that they got into the closet of clothing. They organized the closet, my closet in such an interesting way. My clothes were pushed to the side and their baby clothes were hung together by twos. There seemed to be matching outfits. Two, two and two etc. While I never really dressed them in matching outfits, people thought that they were twins, fraternal of course, especially because they lookes similar, the matching outfits seemed to symbolize, unity or togetherness.

They were together in my life, and now they are both physically out of my life. L is fine as far as I know. She is 18 now and lives in another part of the state.

In the dream as I looked further into the closet I noticed that a few of the outfits were in threes. I wonder if that symbolized the presence of a third little girl that soon to enter my life. I wonder if that represented Miss Precious.

For those of you that may have been following, No I have not gone to pick up my little girl. She's still in Ethiopia. Why you may ask? Although she passed court in December, there were more delays due to paperwork errors. However, I am traveling soon. More to come...

Still Broken Hearted

Nineteen years ago today I experienced the best moment in life. At 7:20 pm at Humana Bayside Hospital in Virginia Beach, Virginia I gave birth to a beautiful little girl. My baby was special from the start. She stood out from all of the babies, yes because of her beauty, but also because all of the other babies were stuffed inside of Christmas stockings. Such a cute sight to behold. My baby weighed 8 pounds, six ounces and could not fit into her stocking! This trend could not continue as my litle girl grew taller and leaner as each year went by.

If you have been following me for some time, you know exactly why my entry is titled the way it is. If not please allow me to explain. I lost my dear daughter at the age of 15 in a very tragic way. I do not wish to explain further than that.

So today is bittersweet. I can rejoice in the memories and the fact that God allowed me to give birth in the first place. But my sadness and realization that my child will not live to see another year, not yet at least.

Is so hard to see others rejoiceing. I feel like the enemy is taunting me. I attended physical therapy today and one of the therapist brought in her baby. Everyone doted on that baby which was understandable because he was so darn cute. But to top it all off someone played a music box or a toy of some sort that had the tune TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY..... The Beatles version. And if that wasn't the icing on the cake, she gave him a Tweety Bird toy to play with.
Tweety was Q's favorite character from day one to the last. She loved him. She had so many Tweety toys. I still have them and I will treasure them always.
I will miss her until God allows Jesus to resurrect her, until we are reunited. Until that time Ms. P will learn everything about her big sister. I will continue to mourn but with Ms. P. in my life I can keep going.

Break Out The Champagne

On December 16, 2009 I received a phone call that made me soooo happy. It went a little something like this:

Agency Rep: ________(insert my name here if you know it)

Me: Yes this is she.

Agency Rep: I just spoke to _____________ (agency director). YOU PASSED COURT TODAY.

Me: Oh my goodness. Thank you. (Other happy, giddy talk, which I had to contain since I had a student standing in my office.

I have been so excited.


I would like you all to meet my L.S. L. aka Ms. Precious or Ms. P.:




I can't wait to bring her home! I AM A MOMMY! A TITLE THAT I DESIRE TO POSSESS FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brought to Tears

I watched this earlier and all I could do was cry. It pulled at my heart to think about all of the children all over the world simply left behind. If I had the means, you know Oprah money, I would not leave them behind, they would all come home with me.

But while I pray for Ms. Precious I pray for all of the others. I also pray that my dream of adopting more will be realized. I have been thinking about what Q would want me to do. My daughter was full of love and kindness and had a very special spot in her heart for children. Q would want me to do it again. She would want me to bring as many of those babies home that I could. While I do not have room in my home, (but I do in my heart), for an abundance of children, I do, I DO have room for one more. I want to do this. I want to adopt again. I pray that I am able to do so.

Justice?

I got on a plane last week in pursuit of justice. All of the guilty were present and accounted for and well represented. I endured that ordeal with the assistance of almighty God, the true Sovereign. I could not have done so without Him.

Decisions were made by individuals that didn't even know Q. They pitied me the grieving mother. I am referring to the decision makers. The guilty seemed to care less. In the end true justice has not been realized. But I know this to be true, God is a lover of righteousness and justice. Vengeance is His, not mine... Romans 12:19
Until that time I must pray for peace, a measure of happiness and endurance.

FEELINGS

I have so many feelings and emotions floating around my head. FEAR of being HAPPY when I have cause to be... SADNESS...GRIEF and PAIN...ANGER, FRUSTRATION... The list is endless.

I remember a poster hung in the school counselor's office. I also had one hanging in my classroom...


One picture wouldn't suffice to describe my feelings.

I have a lot going on in my life. I feel the stress of the world on my shoulders...literally. I am experiencing shoulder pain most excrutiating! Sleep doesn't come so easily and I have limited mobility.

On the adoption front. No news, nothing. I did get a few pictures which was wonderful to see. But I am still waiting. Meanwhile there's more extremely negative agency "talk" on the boards. It's so bad that it makes me sick to my stomach and afraid for myself and Ms. Precious.

This journey is so hard and I feel so alone it. I am very uncomfortable posting to these groups, but I feel these people have formed a camaraderie that I do not have with anyone. It so helps to have a support group of individuals going through similar experiences, but at the same time I don't know these people.

So what's the solution? I must go through this alone.

Tired of Lemonade... Bring on the Champagne!

I was taught that I should never give up. When the going gets tough, the tough gets, going... There's no progress without struggle...When life hands you lemons you just make lemonade. If that's the case I should have enough lemonade to quench the thirst of a village for many months.

I am tired of things not going my way. I am tired of the struggle, I am tired of bad news.

I was assigned a new court date of November 17th. Just in case you haven't noticed there's been no happy announcement, no celebratory bottle of champagne, no beautiful little girl gracing my Blogspot. Yes you guessed we didn't pass court. Why you may ask?

Once again they told me that the government agency didn't provide the necessary recommendation letter. Why does it take a month to get a letter? Why is my agency not on top of this? I am confused, angry, afraid, frustrated and deeply grieved. Especially because PAPs from my agency are passing court left and right. I simply do not understand. I am ready to give up because I don't have a whole lot of fight in me. After being through what I have been through I guess I am not so tough anymore.