Fingerprints!

I had my biometric fingerprints done today! I will blog about the experience later.

Officially Waiting!!!

My dossier is in country!!!
It arrived on February 19, 2009.

So Much Pain

I know what it's like to have chronic pain. I'm not speaking of the pain one experiences from arthritis, fibromyalgia or some other physical malady. I am talking about the pain one feels when a heart is broken in so many pieces, that the damage seems irreparable. The searing pain one feels when a loved one is lost in death; so senseless and avoidable.

I had no preparation. I had no forewarning. I simply trusted that she would be safe and return home. She was supposed to have been kept safe by someone who should have made sure. I do not wish to share more details in such a public forum, however in the future that may change. The story needs to be told.

But what I found out the hard way was that just like those individuals with physical afflictions, who get up every day and work, care for family, and help others despite limitations, I too have been able to carry on despite my extreme pain. I say carry on with purpose. I do not like the term "move on." To me it implies leaving something behind. I will never leave my daughter behind. The memory of her is in my heart and mind. I continue to carry on but not by my strength, but by virtue of the one who strengthens me.

With this strength I can mother another. This little one may come to me with fear and a boat load of grief. But going through it myself may help me to better help her.

Blog Addiction

I tell myself that I won't, but day after day I read them. My name is 4Eva Mom and I am a blog addict. They say the first step is admission. I don't post on my own blog all that much, but I find myself sucked into the adoption blog world. I check my favorites each day to note changes or to see if anyone has received a referral or a court date.

The blogs are so informative and very well written. I really can't help but get immersed in them. I guess it's a good distraction from the unknowns in my own process.

Bibliotherapy

I love books. I am a self proclaimed bibliophile, book addict, literary lush. I just love the printed page. I can spend hours at the library or bookstore, simply browsing. I drive other people crazy and that is why I usually go solo. Q used to accompany me as a small child, because she simply had no choice. I am happy to report, however, that she developed a love of reading on her own, or with her mothers prodding. Whatever the reason, she loved a good book too. Writing was her craft of choice and she like her mother, walked around with a thick notebook containing her writings; prose and poetry. I may share some at a later date.

When I read, I like to see myself in books. I like the characters to look like me. They may share common ancestry, issues or problems. While I do realize that they are fictionalized, made up and out of the author's imagination, their issues and ways of handling them are often real. It causes me to ponder my own situation.

I went through a time during college and graduate school when I simply needed an escape from academia and chose to simply read for fun. Eric Jerome Dickey, Michael Baisden, and Omar Tyree were just a few of my choices. I wanted to get into the brothers' heads and see what made them tick. I wanted the male perspective on matters of the heart. I also read Ntoshake Shange, Toni Morrison and my favorite Bebe Moore Campbell. Oh and I forgot Terri McMillan. Stella gave me ideas, but nothing a Christian woman would ever entertain. Besides things didn't work out too well for Ms. Terri. Along with my fun reads I read the classics of African American literary figures as well as others. Lately the Bible is my book of choice.

I work with tweens and teens and I sponsor a book group for girls. We read books on topics of self esteem and other issues facing young girls. They feel comfortable discussing the characters' problems and finding healthy solutions without feeling obliged to reveal that they in fact share the same problems. This is a form of bibliotherapy.

It is so important for young people to see themselves in books. I may blog about that at another time. PAPs adopting transracially need to make sure that their children are surrounded by reading material that reflects their unique culture. They need to feel validated and important. I know that topics about adoption and race can be very controversial (I have very strong opinions about the hair issue that I may also blog about another time) and the last thing that I want is my blog to spark any controversy,however, these issues need to be addressed for the benefit of the sweet innocents being adopted.

During my adoption journey I have read a lot. One book that really hit my heart and was a source of bibliotherapy for me, was There is No Me Without You:One Woman's Odyssey to Rescue Her Country's Children by Melissa Faye Greene. I had seen the book before and was unsure of the meaning of the title. When I read the book, I could totally relate.

Heregewoin Teferra lost her daughter to death. After nurturing her daughter from childhood onward, she watched her daughter slowly die. After the death of her daughter she felt as though life had no meaning. She was not the same person. There is no me without you... Those words mean so much to me. I feel as she did. I am not the same me without Q.

In the book Ms. Teferra was described as making a daily circle from her home to her daughter's grave site and back home again, only to start again the next day...a viscous cycle leading to nowhere. Ms. Teferra did finally find comfort in helping others, specifically children in need. This book was truly an inspiration. If I had the space and the means I would open my home to the world's orphans. In a way I'd be like Josephine Baker. For now I will open my home and heart to that one little girl from Ethiopia that God knows needs me and who I need. It will be life changing for the both us.

Moving Along

Well my dossier should be in DC by now. I was notified that it is on the way. I long to see (in an email) or hear the words "You are officially waiting!"

Painful Dreams

When I dream, I dream in color. I hear distinct sounds and familiar voices. It may seem odd but I can even smell in my dreams. They are so vivid and I remember them clearly, even if for a short time. I used to keep a pad and pen by my bed so that I could write them down in detail. They seem so real and I am often disappointed at the dreams' end.

I have been dreaming a lot about Q lately. In my dreams she is alive and well. She is neither in pain nor afraid, because I am there to protect her, to watch and reassure her. I have noticed that in some of my dreams although the tragedy had already taken place, she somehow made it back to me. In my dreams I tell her to be safe because I do not want what happened to her to occur again. I remember her meeting her new sister for the first time, in my dream. I remember being so happy.

Then morning comes. I am shocked back into reality. The clock alarms and I am awake. My dream was just that a dream. Next comes indescribable pain, emotional not physical and then the tears follow soon after. I realize that my daughter is not with me. I do know that she is safe, in a state of sleep and that she will be awakened in the resurrection, just as Jesus resurrected Lazarus and he himself was resurrected on the third day. Although these things are known, my pain is still great. So I pray and I am given the strength to continue another day.

Further Progress

I have not been in a writing mood lately. However, I would like to report that my agency has received my dossier and upon returning home ,I found that I had received my fingerprint appointment from USCIS. I am so happy that things are progressing. I pray for continued progress.

End of the paperchase.

Well my dossier is on its way to my agency. I sent it UPS overnight express. I am so relieved to have completed the paper chase. It is now time to wait and wait I shall. I will continue to pray for my process.