Speechless

OMG... I have so much to say but cannot put into words the feelings in my heart. I will be back to post when my thoughts are collected.

Melancholy Day

I am sitting here during a very quiet period at work. I do not usually take the time to blog at work but I have a quiet moment. It’s that time of year again, testing time, so the halls are relatively quiet and I have a moment to steal; besides my mind is full and I need a moment to release.

I am feeling awfully down and I am not certain of the root cause. It could be the weather, as we have experienced a lot of rain with no sign of the sun in days, it could be hormonal, since my monthly visitor is here, (TMI) or it could simply be the onslaught of bad news. Turning on the television or opening up a newspaper can certainly be mood altering. Seldom are there happy things to report.

The news of the death of boxer Mike Tyson’s daughter, Exodus was heartbreaking. Despite my opinions about the man himself, I truly feel for this grieving father. My heart especially goes out to her mother. I have firsthand knowledge of the kind of pain that she must be experiencing. Exodus came from her. She grew inside and was nurtured until she was strong enough to breathe on her own, separate from her mother’s womb. As a mother I wished that I could have kept my daughter protected in a similar fashion. If only I could have kept her encased in some way, if only figuratively but safeguarded from all forms of harm. No doubt Exodus’ mom is feeling the same way.

Glimmer of Hope

Expect the unexpected.

Today I Cried

Today I cried. What made today different than any other day? I cry each and every day for the loss of my dear Q; my only child, my first born. But these were new tears. I cried for the child that I have yet to know. I cried for the one who I have yet to meet and hold in my arms. I cried for myself, the broken mother who longs to be matched with that precious child and then have her come home to me.I can’t help but wonder when that day would come. I want it sooner rather than later. That seems like an impossible dream so I cried.

There has been an update from her country of origin. There is good news for a large group of waiting families and in the long run will benefit me. But all I could do was cry. I thought to myself, “Why couldn’t it be me who would hear the good news. I want those benefits now!!!!

I feel selfish because I should be happy for these families. It’s not that I begrudge them in the least, it is nothing personal since I don't know them. But I do know that many of them have large families already. It’s not that I think that they are not entitled to adopt just because they have children already. I just don't think that they should feel the same desperation as I since they already have little ones to nurture at home. They're also married couples whose opportunities to adopt may never end. But what about the single PAPs?

As crazy as it may sound to some, in a way I feel priority should be given to: grieving families who have lost children, including babies loss through miscarriage, infertile couples and single mothers, especially those with infertility problems or nearing the end of child bearing years.

Again I am not saying that people with large families should not adopt. I am merely expressing my feelings and this is how I see it.

But no matter what I feel, it is what it is. Their journeys are near completion and I should be glad because this also means that I will move along in the process. Instead, all I can feel is envy. This is so unlike me. I am a person with a heart filled with compassion and I usually put my feelings aside for others. But I have lost sooo much and I am not asking for much. I just want to be a mother again and I want it yesterday!!!

How much longer?

Ok I’m back. I didn’t think that I had anything to say but in reality my heart is so full. I do realize that I have not waited nearly the amount of time that I was quoted by my agency. I do realize that the times that were given were mere estimates. No one can predict the unpredictable; however I was still so very hopeful that my wait would be a lot shorter than I was actually quoted.

You see I have been waiting for a long time. I have been a childless mother for nearly three years now. Three years of agony, of pain of tears. I never thought it possible to cry each and every day for two years and eight months. I never thought it possible to make so many tears.

Many wonder how I have managed to keep my sanity and how I go on each day without succumbing to the overwhelming grief. I wonder myself at times but then I quickly realize that it’s my almighty God that sustains me. I do nothing from my own strength.

And still I wait hoping that mercy will be shown to me and some joy thrown my way. I so much want to be a mom again. I have so much love to give. I am looking forward to having a little on in my life again. How much longer must I wait? I surely don’t know.

Three

Three months have come and gone and I am still waiting.

Feathers in the Wind

I know that I have made the correct decision when it comes to these adoption forums. Oh my, the drama, the drama. Instead of these being a source of support through this very difficult and emotional journey, they have been a source of frustration and contention.

Lately there have been slanderous, profane and hateful words being exchanged by members of the groups including the group owners who are the ring leaders. What poor examples they set. Truly an ugly sight to behold. I wonder what their motives really are.

And oh the inconsistencies. I belong to several of these groups that have members in common. People have a tendency to post one thing in one group and totally contradict themselves in another group. What’s that all about?

I truly fear for the little ones joining the families of some of these individuals. If they demonstrate this type of behavior with people over some words on a screen, I shudder to think about how they handle things in real life.

At least when responding to people in cyberspace you have time to think about and reconsider your responses before clicking send or post. In real life it is quite difficult to take back something you have said. Yet many ugly things have been “said” in these forums.

People ought to be careful before responding to anything whether through speech or the written word. Like feathers in the wind it can be extremely difficult to retrieve. That’s why my mother always told me to think before I speak. I never want to say ANYTHING that I may regret later.

Obsession

This is getting to be ridiculous! My obsession with the boards, the forums and groups. The same information continues to circulate. There’s no new news, no real updates. Nothing has changed! I even frequent Facebook, a site that I vowed never to get involved with. I stalk these things so many times a day and for hours on end when at home. I constantly check my many emails while at work. I go from one to the other, hit refresh and then do it again. CLICK, REFRESH, REPEAT, CLICK, REFRESH, REPEAT…

This madness has to stop. It is getting me nowhere because I am neglecting the more important things. I need to get a grip and get back to my life. Besides, the virtual world is a truly unsafe place.

Cyberspace is not completely real. Yes there are live humans behind the many posts, however, people do exaggerate, and boldly misrepresent the truth with the greatest of ease. It is so comfortable to hide behind a computer and be completely anonymous. People feel safe as they type; they think that no one will ever find out who they really are.

This journey is truly a difficult one. I do understand the charged emotions. I have many of my own. With the lost of Q, my quest for justice and this journey, along with the daily stresses of life I cannot afford to get wrapped up in other people’s drama. At one time I felt that finding a support group even in cyberspace, would be beneficial. However without the true love and caring concern of individuals who know me personally, it has done more harm than good.

So for right now I am going to try and wait for official notifications. Official words coming from the country and the agency. I value information from sources which are unbiased, reliable and verifiable.

Don't get me wrong there have been things that I have learned before hearing the official word from the agency such as the latest moratorium on certain cases being heard in the courts. Although that is the case I still to choose spend less time in cyberspace and more time in the real world.

Heartache

I miss my daughter so much. My heart aches.

Ringtones/Please Play My Song

I called my agency today. Yes I broke down and called! I wasn’t necessarily looking for anything in particular, I just wanted to hear a voice on the phone and maybe, just maybe, they would mention that I beat them to making “THE CALL.” That they attempted to call me but my line was busy due to the fact that I was calling them!
Well things don’t work out like that in real life, especially my life. It was just wishful thinking. I called them because I needed some information cleared up. The information was clarified but I was still looking for some glimmer of hope.

I do realize that my wait time is approximately 8-10 months and I have only been waiting 2, but miracles do happen and with all of the precious children available for adoption, I figured it was possible for many of us waiting families to receive referrals sooner than later. But I was made aware that despite the number of children waiting for families and families waiting for children, other things had to be in place before a referral is given.

Meanwhile I am trying not to be anxious. I try not to stalk the forums. I try not to check my email, hit refresh, and check it again in succession multiple times an hour. I try not to check my phone to see if it works by calling it from another phone. This reminds me of a dating scenario, you know checking the phone to see if he calls. I don’t want to get into that mode, it got me nowhere.

So I am going to just hurry up and wait. I did add the agency’s phone number into my cell phone and I assigned them a special ringtone, so when that day comes and I hear that song, I will know that it may in fact be “The Call.”

I can’t wait to hear that song play.

Wait and wait some more...

I cannot believe that it's May already. In just 2 1/2 weeks I will have been waiting, officially waiting that is for 3 months. In reality I have been waiting a lot longer than that.

My application was submitted to my agency in August of 2008. It was received on August 26, 2008 to be exact. So on the 26th of this month nine months will have gone by. If I were pregnant that would be my due date. I would be currently nesting in preparation for my baby.

Instead I am in a perpetual state of waiting and I have no idea when it will end.