Monday, April 27, 2009

Dreams Revisited

I had another dream. They seem to be coming a little more frequently these days. Each night I pray that I can sleep but not dream because dreams are so painful. For the past few weeks I have had trouble remembering but last night’s dream was very clear. I woke up with tear stained cheeks and I could still feel the pain in my heart.

Last night I dreamed of my daughter. She was alive and quite well but younger than the fifteen years of age when I lost her. In this dream I went to New York to pick her up. I went to see about my own child. I did not leave her safe return up to some careless negligent fools! I made sure that my baby returned home. She was waiting for me, safely in the home of one of my relatives. What joy I felt when I first laid eyes upon her. My girl was so beautiful and so very happy. She was glad to see her mama.

I remember collecting her from the car. I cradled her head in my arms as she lay against my chest. This is something that she often did as a baby. She would fall asleep in my arms. Her head would be positioned just so against my breasts. This was a position not easily duplicated because a mother and her child have such a uniquely precious bond. Only I knew how to comfort her. This is the way she greeted me in my dream.

Why did this have to be a dream? Why couldn’t this be my reality? I fall asleep and keep dreaming beautiful dreams and awaken to my nightmare. Many times I wish this could be reversed. I wish that my nightmare could be just that, a terrifying dream, with feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, deep sadness and anxiety. From these dreams you can awaken. I want to wake up from this. BUT THIS IS MY LIFE!!!!!!! This is how I am living and I am wide awake.

I wish that my dreams were my reality and my life was but a dream.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


OMG. This little girl reminds me of my Q when she was her age. I wish I had video.

She is a cutie. My Q had the same energy and loved to put on a show. Too bad You Tube didn't exist in the early 90s.

Little People

I have been thinking very strongly about the possibility of adopting a toddler.

(DISCLAIMER:THIS BABY PICTURED IN NOT A REFFERRAL. I REPEAT THIS IS NOT MY REFERRAL. I do not know this cute child. She is a model from my clipart program).

I have requested a baby up to the age of three. The current wait times are very extensive for younger baby girls, so I feel in my heart that my sweet one will come in a slightly larger package. That will be just fine with me. Toddlers are interesting little people.

Q and I had such fun when she was a toddler. She was my little sidekick. She had such an extensive vocabulary and boy did she love to talk. I enrolled her in dance classes at the tender age of three. Parents were not allowed to be in the dance room when the children were practicing. So I would quietly take my place in the waiting area with my book choice of the moment and read. I could not help but hear the activity in the class. Over the piano music I would hear the teacher give directions and I could just imagine those little feet moving to the music. But then the music would stop and I would hear the teacher calling my baby’s name explaining to her that now it was time to dance and there could be no talking.

Oh no was she talking to my child? Yes, but fortunately for her , the teacher, she used a very sweet and loving tone with my child. But I must admit that I was a bit embarrassed that my child, the educator’s child was the one off task. But that was part of the charm of my little girl. Not to be off task, but to communicate her feelings. She talked and had a lot to say. She was so smart. I miss the chatter. My life is so quiet and empty without her.

Each day as I pray for strength, guidance and holy spirit in my life I will continue to pray for the child that is meant to be my younger daughter. I have to be prepared for her arrival. And if she comes talking….
I have to be ready.

I must also be ready for the possibility of other issues. It will be abnormal to think that this little girl will take one look at me, put a big smile on her face and come running to me in slow motions with arms spread wide open, like they do in the movies. That’s pure fiction and doesn’t happen in the real world.

The truth is that she will come lacking English. She will be confused, tired and afraid. She will likely be mourning many losses. I must prepare myself for these possibilities. I want to make the transition as easy as possible so I must arm myself with knowledge, God’s wisdom and strength.

To begin my education process, I am reading the book Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best. It exclusively deals with toddler adoption and is very insightful. I will let you know what information I have gleaned.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Baby Love

I have a beautiful 7 month old nephew, baby B. I had the privilege of babysitting this afternoon for a few hours. His very responsible and doting mom, my sister- in- law, made sure that she left explicit instructions regarding his care. It didn’t matter that I was an experienced mother who had nurtured my own little one. She wanted to make sure that I knew how to care for her baby.

My brother sometimes fusses about her being overprotective. He complained that she runs to the doctor too much. Today he talked about how she rushed the baby to the doctor for a patch of dry skin. Well this dry skin turned out to be dermatophytosis. Simply put, the baby had a patch of ringworm on his arm. My sister-in-law did the right thing. It could have been a more serious condition. A mother knows.

A mother knows… I wish that I had known for sure. I wish that I could have somehow been warned about the calamity that was to befall me. My precious Q. I wished that I could have known. I would have done anything, anything to save her. I did suspect and as a result wanted to keep her to myself, but that wouldn’t have been what the law allowed. There were rights that were to be upheld, rights, that in my opinion were not entitled, so I was forced to share.

I took all precautions while she was in my care… From a baby I kept her safe from harm. I made sure that she ate well, that she had a protective environment. I made sure that she was surrounded by the proper people. I even moved so that our residence was directly across the street from the best elementary school in our school district. I, just like my sister-in-law made sure to visit medical professionals when necessary. Only the best for my baby.

All of my protection was undone in one fell swoop. The human, who in my absence was supposed to keep her safe failed miserably. There are a lot of layers to this very sad situation and he was only one key component. There are other responsible parties. At this point I pray for a measure of peace in my life as I await justice.

Sunday, April 19, 2009


It has been two months since I have been officially waiting. I have nothing more to report. I don't even know how close I am. I am afraid to question the agency because I don't want to come off as a nag. Besides they quoted 6-8 months and I am not near that.

I just have to be patient.

Friday, April 17, 2009


A few posts ago I mentioned that I needed a distraction from the waiting game. I wanted a project to work on; a new obsession. I wanted to do something that would distract my mind from the fact that I am longing to be a mom again. I wanted something that would make the wait seem more bearable.

Well now I have been given an additional focus. It is something totally separate from my journey and I must admit that I didn’t think that I had to deal with it so soon. It’s not so pleasant but necessary. I must now focus on justice. That’s all I am going to say about that. But I pray that one day I am free to tell the story. I know that many will benefit.

I must put my blog life on hold for a little while. My new endeavor will require so much of my emotions. So while I wait for my little one my blog will be on hiatus. I will continue to blog my journey, however the words will be for my eyes only ,until which time I am able to reveal.

Thank you for reading and I pray that I soon have good things to report.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Do Over

Ok. Today is Wednesday and I am supposed to post my weight loss progress. Well I have no progress to report. I was on Spring Break last week and I ate my way through the entire week. I ate M&Ms and Combos snacks…Ice cream and potato chips… You know you have to have the sweet then the salty.

The week ended with me attending a formal event in which dinner was served buffet style and culminated in a platter of sweet treats being delivered to each table. I had the nerve to eat dinner on Sunday at a friend’s house.

I request a DO OVER!!! I won't be too far off track. I want to lose about 40 pounds and I have more than 20 weeks to wait. So...

I will contact those who expressed an interest in joining me in this health quest sometime next week. I hope to post a negative number, meaning pounds loss, next week.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Wishful Thinking...Hopeful Dreams

I have been dreaming… again

I had a dream last night. I dreamed that I was a student in a school. The school administrators were workers from my agency. Now, I have never met any of these individuals personally, and other than a picture of the agency director, I have never seen them.They are simply voices on the phone, so I suppose that my mind made up images of what they should look like.

I remember that there were individuals, including myself , who were sitting in a waiting area while the administrators met behind a closed door. The details are a little fuzzy but I do recall that people’s names were called out. Apparently these were PAPs who were getting referrals.

I remember wondering why my presence was requested because my wait was supposed to be at least six months, but then my name was called and I was told that I also had a referral. I then awakened a little confused.

I do know that I am in no way close to getting that good news. However, reading blogs and messages about other PAPs receiving referrals and court dates has me secretly, or maybe not so much, wishing for my turn. I realize that I have to wait, but I am entitled to dream about something good for a change.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I love this!

I am not weighing in on the Madonna controversy at all. My opinions will be kept to myself. With that said...

I wanted to post this video because I found it very touching, inspiring and beautiful. I had tears of joy when I watched it. There are so many ways to create a family. I do not personally know this family, but I think that it is so wonderful how this couple united, created a blended family and then made room for three more.

I think that this family was featured in Jet magazine some time ago. I remember reading an article and cutting it out because it inspired me. I am going to dig out the article.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

When I was pregnant with Q I gained over 50 pounds. I remember my doctor warning me that I shouldn’t go over a certain weight. I needed to slow down my weight gain. In my 7th month, the doctor realized that his warning was in vain. I stepped on to the scale, saw the disappointing number and dragged my 198 pound frame off. Needless to say, when I delivered my 8 pound 6 ounce baby, my weight was much more than the doctor prescribed.

My Q didn’t have a weight problem in the least. If anything she could have used a couple of pounds. We used to call her skinny mini. In reality she was just fine. She was a chubby little baby but as a teen she wore no larger than a size 4. Her mom,(Me), on the other hand, packed on more pounds after pregnancy. I managed to lose some but I never got back to a pre pregnancy weight.

So here’s what I’m gonna do….

I would like to lose about 40 pounds. I am going to track my weight loss here as I wait for my little one. Instead of gaining weight as in pregnancy, I am going to lose weight as I wait to adopt. It’s about me being in tip top shape for my new arrival.

I was given an estimate of a 6-8 month wait for a referral. One month has gone by. So I will count six months from today which will add up to about 27 weeks. Oh my gosh that long?!!!!

As I was surfing I came across an interesting website: Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans.

Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans

I have decided to accept their challenge and I will be weighing in on Wednesdays beginning today. I will post my results here each Wednesday.I will post number of pounds lost, not my weight. I don’t know you like that yet. This will help me pass the time as I wait and I will become more physically fit at the same time.


I have always considered myself to be a very patient person. Nothing that I have ever truly wanted has come to me easily. A lot of work was involved plus a great deal of patience. I am no stranger to struggle. I realize that this very important journey is no different. A great deal of work is required before, during and after the process.

However, I am having so much difficulty waiting. I feel helpless because there is really nothing else for me to do but wait. I have been officially waiting for a whopping one month two and a half weeks. What am I going to be like 6 months into the wait? There are some PAPs that have been waiting a year or more!

I wonder if I am truly impatient or if I am just anxious to be a mom again. I feel that it’s the latter. It’s not only the waiting that’s hard, but fear of the unknowns in the process.

I need to come up with a plan that will make the waiting more bearable; a project that will take a few months to complete. I need something that will occupy my time, my mind and take me completely away from thoughts about my process. I need a new obsession. Any ideas?

Monday, April 6, 2009

Keep on Moving... Don't Stop!

Last week I received the highly coveted I-171H. I was so pleased to see that envelope in my mailbox. It means that I am free to adopt internationally.

Another milestone has been reached, another positive step forward to motherhood again.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Don't Take Your Love Away

In addition to adoption, blogs I have been visiting blogs written by other grieving mothers. It’s helpful to me because reading their accounts lets me know that I am not alone with my feelings. Our situations differ greatly, however sentiments are similar. One mom listed the 20 things that a bereaved parent wishes that people would remember. She posted the following:

Her Words:

Rainbow Over My Broken Heart

“ I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.”

Back to my words:

Death is a very difficult concept. People strive to understand it but seldom do. Feelings of awkwardness overtake the so called comforters. Instead of sticking by the bereaved, they retreat, withdraw, take back the support, however unintentional. I realize that people simply don’t know what to say.

As far as I am concerned words are not necessary. A hug given at the proper time feels oh so good. You don’t have to speak, just don’t leave me, when I need you so much now.