A New Wait

Ms. Precious has been identified. On May 29^th I received the call. I heard my song play and it went something like this:

It caught me off guard and I was not expecting it. Things did not occur in the dramatic way in which I expected. Clients were sent an email stating that a very large number of children were ready to be referred. We were instructed to call the office to find out if we were among the families about to hear some good news. So I called. I took a chance because I knew that most families were waiting for a baby girl up to age 12 months. I was a bit more flexible so I thought that perhaps there would be a toddler girl in need of a family. I was right and I was told that phone calls would go out when the children were ready to be officially referred.

My call came about 11:15 on May 29^th. I received a picture of my little one about two hours later. She is a beautiful 2 1/2 year old. That’s all I want to say at this time.

The countdown or count up begins now. I have been waiting for a court date for one month now. I can’t wait for Miss P to be mine.

Must Be The Music

I am not it a bad mood presently. I am not mad or sad but actually on a bit of a high. Times have been so rough recently. I have been in a very deep state of sadness and despair, for very obvious reasons. The news of Michael Jackson’s passing hit hard and that sadness joined my sadness for the loss my beautiful child. The sadness about MJ could never be as deep as my hurt for Q. MJ, although I did not know him personally was a part of my life, Q is a part of my heart.

Despite the deep feelings of sadness that is ever present, I feel a bit of elation. I am sitting here watching the BET Awards and I am thoroughly enjoying it. I am singing and dancing to music new and old. There was a part when some of my groups from back in the day performed… BBD, New Edition, Guy and even Keith Sweat and Tevin Campbell. And I didn’t know that Tyrese could sing, with his fine self.

Could this be the key, to a little reprieve, a break from a bleak life?

MUSIC

I love music and dancing. How could I forget? I spent many days as a girl in my childhood home singing and dancing in the basement in front of my baby doll audience, with my hairbrush in hand. I wasn’t a great singer but I could dance. I was always a good dancer and I can, still dance despite additional years and pounds. All I need is some good music.

I have that tonight. What’s missing from this picture is my very beautiful and talented daughter. She would be right here dancing with me. She should still be. But as for me I am going to keep dancing until Almighty God reunites us two.

My Favorite MJ Videos

No one can touch him on the dance floor.









Chris Tucker is a nut!!!!

More Grief, More pain.

I am just speechless. Another grieving mother, another grieving heart.



This is how I'll remember him.

Still Waiting For My Baby

Nothing new to report.
It has now been four month and two days since my wait for Miss Precious. I call her Miss Precious or Miss P for short because I know she is just that. You'll see.

My Q was also known as Miss P, but her P stood for Princess, Princess Q. My Princess played the role to the tee. Her style and mannerisms were in line with the Princess that she was. I had to often remind her that although she was in fact the Princess, I was the Queen and she should never forget that. I so miss my Princess Q.

I must think of a nickname for Miss Precious that is befitting the royalty that she is. I am the Queen and my Princess cannot be replaced... HMM what is another name for a female member of a royal family. I must find out how to say Princess in Amharic. I will be back with my findings.

Justice Will Prevail

I have become a Bible reader. In the past I have read everything from fiction to self help, but Bible reading is somewhat of a recent endeavor. I am a student of the Word. I am involved in a systematic study of the Bible and I have learned so much. I remember when I first began I considered it such a daunting task.

There were a bunch of words, in an old fashioned dialect, that I simply did not understand. But then I started to learn and realized, just like the Ethiopian Eunach who told the Apostle Paul, guidance was needed to truly understand. (Acts 8:27-31) I needed an instructor. Through the years I have had several teachers and I am truly grateful that they have been patient with me.

Through my study I have come to learn and favor a variety of scriptures. Many that I could easily apply to my own life situations. The most cherished by me include: John 5:28, 29; Revelations 21:3, 4 and many more. These directly refer to God’s promise of resurrection and the annihilation of death. This means so much to me because I am desperately longing to see my precious daughter again. It will be such a reunion.

As any parent mourning the loss of a child will tell you, the death of a child is like daggers to the heart. No loss truly compares. I thought that I felt despair when he chose not to parent her, but that was nothing compared to what would come later. Nothing compared to the pain he has caused. Many a scorned lover have described feelings of broken heartedness. My heart is not broken but crushed. It will be through almighty God that my heart will be completely repaired.

Another scripture that I believe, but have a struggle with is Romans 12:19 “Vengeance is mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Why do I struggle? I am battling with myself because the guilty seem to be getting away scot free. They are happy go lucky and posting it publicly. It’s all good in their neighborhood. They’ve even experienced recent praise and accolades. Life continues to go on for them as I continue to suffer and mourn my child.

I struggle because I want to take matters into my own hands. I don’t mean a violent act, because I am not going to lose my salvation for them. Although they do deserve a serious beat down for their part in the whole thing. I truly want to expose them, to single handedly BRING THEM DOWN!!!!

I cannot do this because by doing so I would be acting contrary to God’s wishes. For now I have to just sit tight and wait on my Heavenly Father. I must wait with the hope and faith that true justice will prevail!!!

My God says that vengeance is His, He will repay.

RAGE

Words cannot express the grief I am feeling today. The guilty are attempting to benefit from the victim. How can this be? I have no words.

Warnings... Keep Away

I have written before about my addiction to blogs, forums and all things virtual. They seem so innocent so safe, so secure. You sit behind a computer screen and you let it all hang out, literally. It doesn’t matter if your hair’s not done, if your breath stinks or if you’re just looking a hot mess. There’s no one to see your flaws, no one to judge… Judge your appearance that is. Folks always have something to say about what you write.

It also allows you to pretend to be anyone or anything that you wish. Whatever is within your imagination is fair game. Therein lies the danger. While you are pretending to be that fine pretty young diva, when you are really 65, there’s someone else out there pretending to be someone that they are really not and their true persona may turn out to be something a lot more heinous. I am not here to speak on that now, but we are warned and need to take heed.

I am here to once again announce my plan to stay away from these sites. I do this because I somehow believe that if I put it out there publicly, someone will hold me accountable. Really I need to hold myself accountable.

I must admit that I have been doing a little better in that department. I do not spend nearly as much time online that I used to. However, I sometimes find it very difficult to resist the temptation to Google names of individuals from my past.

Today, I chose to look up the name of one of the persons responsible for my aching heart. I am not a glutton for punishment, really I am not. But I do this because somewhere deep inside I think that I am going to see that they are being held accountable. Unfortunately that’s never the case. I usually just end up being upset. Today was no different. I really need to protect myself and stay away.

Silencing Fear

My life is filled with new joy and old pain. The source of the pain is so obvious and I long for the joy to come and for the opportunity to make it known. But I cannot say a word because I am silenced by the fear.