Heart Still Broken

I so miss my beautiful daughter Q. I haven't written about her in awhile but I think about her each and every day. I looked at her picture on this blog and the tears just welled up in my eyes. I am so glad that La La is asleep because I wouldn't know what to say to her when she says "Mommy cry?"

Q should be here today experiencing the joy of having a little sister. She should be here to teach her and show her much love. La La shouldn't have been robbed of the experience of having such a wonderful big sister. I shouldn't have been robbed of my first born. While I suffer in pain and cry others are enjoying life and publicly writing about it with pride. I know that those who are reading this most likely have no clue as to what and whom I speak of, but one day the full story will be revealed.

The Bible says you reap what you sow. God's word has never been wrong and will not change, so those out there dealing dirt, your day of reckoning will come.

Experience, The Best Teacher

As I sat down to write this post, I was all set to relay my experience from A to Z, beginning to end, baring all of my raw emotions. I did write it out and it did help to get rid of some of the pent up anger. Since that was my main objective, in lieu of posting what truly amounts to ranting and raving, I have chosen to share the lessons that I have learned and what I would do over again from my experience. You know, one of those if I knew then, what I know now, I would _________. Although numbered, these lessons are not listed in any particular order.

Lesson 1: I would insist upon receiving a VALID passport and birth certificate for my child, prior to traveling way across the world. If I had those things in hand, passing embassy would have been a certainty and there would have been no threat of having to leave my child behind. I know that other agencies send those along with current medical information BEFORE parents travel.

Lesson 2: I would make sure that I request a child, gender specified, from birth to age 15, even if I wanted a younger child. If the agency erred or the child turns out to be in actuality older than I was told at referral , I would still be covered at embassy because the home study would reflect the older age.

Lesson 3: I would never trust the word of anyone even though I am assured that all errors are fixed and that there would be no problems. I would insist on what I mentioned above in lessons 1 and 2.

Lesson 4: I would make sure that I truly had an embassy appointment prior to traveling across the world to a foreign country. It wasn't fun having the American embassy reps explain their shock and dismay when my file arrived on the desk that very morning.

I am not sure how I would ensure this since according to lesson 3, I wouldn’t take the word of the agency people. Perhaps I would be able to get information from an embassy representative.

Lesson 5: I would plan to stay a few extra days, just in case things went wrong, this way I wouldn’t have to pay extra money to have tickets changed when I am given the choice to stay longer or leave my child behind. Also if things worked out I could spend those extra days touring, enjoying the company of friends and getting to know my child’s country better instead of stressing, crying and wondering.

Lesson 6: I would arrange for my own transportation from the airport. In case the agency representatives forget to pick me up, I would make sure to have alternative transportation.

Lesson 7 (and this should be #1) Never would I ever,ever, use that same agency!!!

Things that I would absolutely not change:

• I would once again stay at the Yebsabi Guest House. It was beautiful, clean, safe, very comfortable and the staff was wonderful.
  

• · I would still be in touch with my good friends who are native Ethiopians, Amharic speakers and current residents of Addis. These wonderful people were a Godsend. If you read my blog you know who you are and I love you!

• I will still keep each and every correspondence. When inconsistencies arise, produce the record.
• 
  

These are just a few things. If and when more things come to mind that I consider helpful, I will post them.

Finally!

Exactly one month ago today I landed in a place that I had only visited in my dreams. I think back in amazement, realizing that yes it is true, I traveled to the motherland. Although my ancestors have most likely hailed from West Africa, there is a sneaky suspicion among my family that my maternal grandfather may have had ancestry originating from Ethiopia. That could be the reason for his funeral service being held in Abyssinian Baptist church in Harlem, New York. But back to the issue at hand, my trip.

I flew all the way to Africa to pick up my child, my baby, my youngest. It is such a great feeling to be able to say that. I went to Africa, something that I have always dreamed of doing, something that I will be doing again. The next time with less stress and more time to really take in the experience.

This month has been great. La La (One of many nick names for this beautiful child) is amazing. She is such a little lady. It is like she was meant to be in my family. She is silly, happy, smart and so entertaining. Just like Q. I do not ever wish to compare my two babies but God knew that I needed another lively child to bring more joy and activity into my life. I regret that my Q is not here to be with her sister.

I do want to write about my trip which had many ups and downs. I know that many of you, have been waiting on my story. Look at me assuming that I actually have readers. Whether or not I have others tuning in, my story will be told. This is first and foremost for my emotional release and to perhaps inform others so that they may learn from my experience.

The best way for me to relay the events is to do so in chronological order, beginning with day one. So stay tuned!